How to Thrive in Counseling, Even If You're Scared to Start

Sitting on Both Sides of the Counseling Room

I’ve sat on both sides of the counseling room. I remember the flood of emotions and the racing thoughts. Every woman who walks through the door carries comes in with concerns, expectations, hopes, and questions. Some of the most common ones include:

• Will I be understood?

• Will this actually help?

• What if it doesn’t?

I may not be able to answer all of these questions right away, but I can do my best to speak to some of the deeper fears behind them.

One way I try to lay a foundation for a first session is by inviting women to fill out a personal background questionnaire before we meet. I used to say it helped us “hit the ground running,” but I’ve come to describe it differently. What it really offers is space—for both of us—to take a deep breath at the beginning. We aren’t starting entirely from scratch. Many women have found that putting parts of their story down on paper beforehand brings unexpected clarity.

When I receive this document, I read it prayerfully, asking God to help me understand the heart behind the words and prepare me to listen with compassion.

How to Make the Most of Counseling

There are other things you can do to make the most of the opportunities biblical counseling can provide. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Be committed.
Come to each session with a hopeful and humble posture. Counseling is a space for learning—about yourself, about God’s care and character, and about how he might be inviting you into growth and healing. Lean into the promise, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13) And remember, you can come with a heart that’s crushed, by your sin, by betrayal, by living in a broken world. Jesus is not only high and holy; he is also near the humble and heartbroken (Isaiah 57:15).

2. Be honest.
I know that talking about the hard places in your life isn’t easy. It takes time to feel comfortable. I consider it a privilege to hear whatever you’re ready to share. The more open you can be, the more clearly we can both begin to see how God may be working.

3. Be patient—with yourself, with me, and with the process.
Struggles rarely form overnight, and they don’t usually resolve overnight either. It may take a few sessions to get a full picture of your story. Change often comes slowly and in stages. But Jesus has promised to finish what he begins (Philippians 1:6), and counseling is one of the many ways we can witness him doing that work.

4. Engage outside the session.
Occasionally, I’ll offer growth assignments aligned with what we’re working on—things to reflect on, practice, or pray through between our meetings. At the end of each session, we’ll identify at least one way to seek God’s help in the days ahead. Let that focus shape your prayers as you walk with him through the counseling process.

Our struggles can feel overwhelming. But we don’t face them alone. Our help comes “from the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:2). Jesus knows and cares deeply about every personal and relational burden we carry. He speaks through His Word, works by His Spirit through His people, and—graciously—sometimes uses counseling as a means to extend that care.

Thoughts on Grief and Hope a Week After Easter

Please note: This article contains references to suicide.

I found out on Easter Monday that a counselee I worked with years ago took her life on Easter night. There are simply times when words fail. What do we say? What do we pray? What does God say? I have been ministered to by three different places in God’s word this week as I have mourned with those who mourn.

Psalm 88 is a surprising psalm, especially for those who, like me, are not from faith traditions that sing through the Psalter. These are God’s words for God’s people to sing corporately. I read the Psalms on repeat, and when I land here again, I am always surprised at how honest, raw, and without immediate resolution they are.

“I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.

I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.

I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.”

Psalm 88:3-5

These words were true for the people of Israel, true for the church, but as Christopher Ash points out in his commentary on the psalms, they reach the peak of their fulfillment in the mouth of Christ. He is the Man of Sorrows. He knows.

I’ve also been reminded of Romans 8:26-27:

“The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

It is comforting to me that God the Spirit, who has command of every language, groans for his children to God the Father, to God the Son. He is groaning for a believing family as they sit, still reeling with the unexpectedness and depth of their loss, groaning with them as they grieve.

As I have walked with my own family and friends and also with women in the counseling space this past week, I’ve been especially mindful to ask God to work and will and, yes, intercede for them because I am again reminded of how often I do not “know what to pray for as I ought.” And I am asking him to do things in them that will be light to them when it is very dark.

Finally, in reflecting on hearing the Easter story again this past week, I was moved by my pastor’s description of Peter’s grief turned to joy. He recounted Peter’s failure and inevitable regret, imagined his thoughts, “I didn’t want it to end this way.” And it didn’t. And because of the empty tomb…still empty this week, some two thousand years later, it doesn’t have to end that way for us either. God help us believe that resurrection means something for all the places in our lives that seem beyond hope. God, help me trust that you are always at work in the dark, even when I can’t see.

On Pollen and Humility. Or, How I Learned the Truth of 1 Peter 5:3-8 the Hard Way

All of you clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

God resists the proud
but gives grace to the humble.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you.

1 Peter 5:3-8 CSB

It has been almost twenty-five years since I lived in seminary housing at Southeastern (SEBTS) in Wake Forest, North Carolina. I was not the student in those days, but I was learning a lot. It must have been this time of the year because I remember walking to the playground with my blonde pig-tailed two-year-old and being baffled that the metal slide was covered in yellow dust. “Is there a sulfur plant near here?” Ahhhh… the introduction of pollen to a native Texan who grew up wondering what all those allergy med commercials on TV were for. “Northerners who aren’t as tough as we are, I suppose.” Ahem. The ignorance of youth.

I wish my ignorance and arrogance were limited to my lack of understanding of spring allergens. (And sulfur plants undoubtedly.) But, of course, they weren’t. I was in the midst of a long season of confusing suffering. One source of my confusion was centered in my definition of abuse. I’ve shared some of those thoughts here. But a foundational belief that made my suffering more acute was a misunderstanding of the way God works in the world. I had thought that if I was a “good girl,” things would go well for me. I thought that’s how God treated people. I was not unexposed to suffering as a child, but it was really easy for me to interpret people’s suffering through the lens of what I perceived as their failure. I aimed to do better and assumed I would receive better. I was both ignorant and arrogant.

In, Suffering and Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and How God Restores, Diane Langberg describes it this way:

Our egocentricity says to us, “You have experienced these things because you have “_____,”—not been responsible, not loved your spouse well, not made moral choices, etc. Implicit is the idea that if they did what we did, made similar choices to ours, or behaved well, then injustice would not be present in their lives. If someone is downtrodden or oppressed, it is probably their fault.” (p. 17)

But there I was, experiencing “these things” even though I’d checked the right boxes.

Something to note in this passage that I am certain I could not see clearly at the time is that while God humbles his children, He does not humiliate them. His response to our humility is lifting us up, showing us favor, and caring for us. This informs how we can care for friends, family members, and counselees who are brought low by their suffering: seek to understand their situation from a place of humility, gently encourage them to seek God’s perspective of their situation, remind them that God cares for them, and point them towards the hope that as they trust and obey, God has promised to lift them up, “at the proper time.”

As a young believer, I was quick to assign blame when I encountered certain types of suffering. I did that with myself, and I did it with others. Sorrow did not soften my stance on sin, but it did humble me and help me be slower to make assumptions until I know someone’s story more deeply and understand the context of their lives well enough to discern what biblical commands speak into their situation. It is one of the many places we can see God’s wisdom given to us in his instruction, “Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.” For my part, the pollen on my windshield in spring always reminds me to dress myself with that humility.

3 Reasons Why I Appreciate Esther’s Smith’s, “A Still and Quiet Mind: 12 Strategies for Changing Unwanted Thoughts”

Biblical counselor Esther Smith’s 2022 book, “A Still and Quiet Mind: 12 Strategies for Changing Unwanted Thoughts,” has been my top recommended resource to counselees since it came out. Here are three reasons why.

1. When we are having a helping conversation, I don’t think shared experience is a prerequisite. 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 is instructive to me on this point, with its hugely meaningful description of our God, “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble.” That said, it is also true that God often chooses to redeem our suffering by using the lessons he has taught us in it to bless a fellow sister or brother in Christ. Such is the case with Esther Smith as she manages the somewhat difficult balancing act of writing from her own experience without focusing on herself.

2. One of this book's strengths is that it acknowledges its limitations. It can’t be a comprehensive do-it-yourself manual for everyone struggling with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or post-traumatic stress. What it can do, and does well, is say, “Here are 12 things to try if what you are doing isn’t working.” My counselees have found different chapters helpful but have all been meaningfully helped by multiple strategies offered.

3. In the counseling room, I often see that one of my primary tasks is helping reduce the distance between what a woman believes is biblical and what she feels is practical. Biblical and practical, properly understood, are the same thing. We’ve been given everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Smith’s emphasis throughout the book on change occurring within the context of a relationship with Christ closes that perceived gap for people in very meaningful ways.

As followers of Christ, we know that we are to seek the transformation of our minds. For those who struggle with unwanted thoughts, A Still and Quiet Mind points to helpful ways to do just that in the context of our relationship with Jesus. I’ll end with a favorite quote, “Telling ourselves to think something different is inadequate. Encountering God and experiencing who he is in our lives has the power to change everything.”

Detecting Abuse in Marriage: Setting Aside Myths and Seeking Hope

As a newlywed serving in missions thousands of miles from home, she hid in the tiny apartment bathroom and prayed the door lock would hold. The next time she sought refuge on the balcony and hoped there were enough watching eyes outside to stall what her husband called his “explosive anger.” She knew she was far from perfect and tried to confess her sin to her husband, but she found that over time her words would be used against her in ways far more painful and frequent than the periodic violence. She could not bear the shame of disappointing the mission board or the dread of telling her parents the truth, nor could she afford a plane ticket back home. While she understood that what was happening in her marriage was terribly wrong, her experience didn’t fit her preconceived ideas about domestic violence. “Besides,” she reasoned, “I love my husband. I know God can change people, and sometimes it seems like things really are getting better.” Then the tension would build, and things would spiral out of control again.

Stereotypes about domestic violence can blind victims and those who love them to the reality of what’s really going on in abusive marriages. Correcting the myths we believe about the dynamics of abuse is essential if we want to help victims find a path toward healing.

Myth: Abuse always entails broken bones or black eyes.

Reality: When physical abuse occurs in marriage, it is always serious, regardless of severity.

Physical abuse is any intentional action taken on the part of a spouse that may lead to physical harm. It includes a spectrum of behaviors too wide-ranging to fully enumerate. Reckless driving, hitting, choking, pinching, throwing objects at someone, preventing sleep, or denying medical care are all examples of physical abuse. All types of violence in marriage cause significant harm as the victim attempts to make sense of these kinds of treatment in what should be the loving, safe, context of marriage.

 Myth: Domestic violence is only physical.

Reality: Emotional abuse is a broad term that can include mental, verbal, psychological, and spiritual abuse. James said, “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body” (Jam 3:2). So, what is the distinction between sin, even truly grievous sin, and abuse? Where is the line between really difficult and destructive? When assessing emotional abuse, it is important to examine the context.

On one end, consider the aim of words and behavior. Be aware of patterns rooted in entitlement and pride that aim to control, coerce, or punish their spouse. Is one spouse defining the narrative in a way that persistently excludes or minimizes the perspective and pain of the other spouse?

On the other end, examine the response of the offending spouse after conflict. Do they seem unable or unwilling to consider the weight of their own sin? In abusive relationships, there are sometimes occasions of remorse and periods of relative calm, so it can be hard to know if a spouse is repentant. An important indicator of godly repentance is when a spouse is allowed to grieve what has been said and done to them, instead of being forced to prove forgiveness by immediately “moving on” or “not bringing up the past.”

Myth: The Bible says the husband’s and wife’s bodies belong to each other, so sexual abuse can’t occur in marriage.

Reality: While there is ample room in God-honoring marriages for struggles with sexual intimacy, including differences in appetite and preference, there is no room for “unrelenting pressure, callous disregard, unwanted acts, coercion, degradation, constant accusations of affairs, technological abuses, or direct physical violation.” [1]

Sexual abuse in marriage occurs when one spouse forces or coerces the other person to participate in sexual activity. In many instances, wives will often reluctantly agree in order to avoid what they deem worse consequences for themselves or their children. The nature of sexual abuse in marriage is incredibly disorienting to the victim, and if they seek help, it will often be for the resulting depression, fear, and anxiety.

Conclusion

Most English versions of the Bible don’t use the word abuse to describe the pervasive misuses of power that these descriptions portray. But the Bible is far from silent on these sins, and others like them, where a partner disdains the image of God in their spouse. Victims can join with the psalmist in lament:

“Have mercy upon us, O Lord, have mercy upon us,
    for we have had more than enough of contempt.
Our soul has had more than enough
    of the scorn of those who are at ease,
    of the contempt of the proud.” (Ps 123:3-4)

As I think through the illustration of the missionary wife I mentioned at the beginning of the article, the indicators of domestic violence are obvious to me now. But now, almost thirty years ago, when I was the woman hiding in the bathroom, not many of these things were clear. I struggled for long years to understand how I was to obey God in the middle of the chaos. I believed things that were not true: myths about the nature of abuse, lies about what God expected of me, and distortions about the character of God. I am so thankful for the mercy of God and thankful for the resources available now, that were not available then. I am also humbly honored to walk alongside victims and survivors and point them to God who sits on a throne of grace and gives mercy to those who come in a time of need.

Questions to consider:

1. What misconceptions have you had about the nature of abuse in marriage?

2. In Romans 1:18, Paul talks about how unrighteousness can suppress the truth. How might this reality shape the process of trying to help a friend who is a victim of domestic violence?

3.  What can you do to better equip yourself to minister to victims of abuse God might put in your sphere of influence?

While it is beyond the scope of this article to address the complexities of responding to domestic violence, please consider the following authors and resources as ways to learn more.

If you are a victim, you can visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website or call to speak with a volunteer trained in crisis intervention and developing a safety plan at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Is it Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims by Darby Strickland

The Self-Centered Spouse: Help for Chronically Broken Marriages by Brad Hambrick

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It by Leslie Vernick

Becoming a Church that Cares Well for the Abused, edited by Brad Hambrick

 [1]These categories are taken from and expanded upon in Darby Strickland’s, “Is it Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims,” p 154-158.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

“You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.”

Psalm 139:5

I had, no doubt, spent the last hour describing the troubles that were pressing in on me in the months subsequent to a season of excruciating rescue. My counselor was apt to remind me that while I might not have been in Egypt anymore, I had most definitely not arrived to the Promised Land. Whether or not I was seeing the challenges clearly, I am not certain, but from the vantage point of nearly a decade later, I doubt I was. What I do know, without any uncertainty, is that my counselor responded with kindness and compassion. He picked up his duct-taped Bible and took his time as he thumbed its pages. He read me David’s words from Psalm 139, “You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” He continued, “I hear you saying that He has hemmed you in. But remember, He has chosen those limitations. And it is THERE that His hand is on you.”

I have come back to those words over and over. I have spoken them to myself; I have spoken them to my children; I have spoken them to counselees. And they are true.

One strategy I find helpful is to think about those limitations, to imagine that wall pressing in on the left and the right, and then to do three things.

1. Identify the circumstances that make you feel trapped. What things make you feel like you can’t trust and obey? What circumstances feel immovable? What things do you see are true in Scripture but seem impossible to apply in your life?

2. Ask God to show you where your back is up against the door. Determine if there are things you must give up in order to obey. Find the areas where you are tempted to take more responsibility than God has given you. Ask him to “turn you around” from the circumstances you cannot control, and to turn you toward the door of trust and obedience, even if it is costly to walk through it.

3. Acknowledge, sometimes “rock and hard place” situations are untenable. I spend a significant amount of time with counselees sorting through situations like these. There are times that, albeit imperfectly, you are trusting, are obeying, and you are still very much hemmed in. In these situations, continue waiting on the Lord and continue asking God to deliver you.

And remember, His hand is on you.

©Jacqueline Larraga, 2024