A Thoughtful Approach to a Difficult Conversation
When Divorce Is Mercy: Finding Biblical Answers to Questions You Never Wanted to Ask, published by P&R Publishing and written by CCEF authors Michael Gembola and Darby Strickland, is a book that is both winsome and passionate, both direct and nuanced. Conversations about divorce in conservative Christian communities don’t always achieve that balance, but as biblical counselors in the tradition of CCEF, Gembola and Strickland are uniquely equipped to contribute in a way that holds fast to the sufficiency of Scripture and the power of the Gospel lived out, while also being intimately acquainted with the impact of sin and suffering and how both shape not only the institution of marriage but also the people in it.
While the book is not a treatise on Christian marriage, the authors set their arguments squarely on their love for God’s good design in biblical marriage. The authors state in the introduction, “Divorce is not our point of orientation, nor are the sins that lead to divorce our greatest interest. Love is our interest. Oneness is. Godliness is. Our point of orientation is Jesus—the faithful Bridegroom, full of grace and mercy, who never abandons his people and who meets us in the wreckage of human sin” (p. 14). This is a refreshing starting point for a book that addresses some of the hardest places in life: abandonment, abuse, adultery, betrayal, contempt, domestic violence, and other egregious sins that break the marriage covenant and leave spouses confused about how to move forward in faith.
Biblical Grounds for Divorce and the Character of God
What makes this book so valuable to the modern Christian church is not what is new in it, but how it communicates the truth of Scriptural teaching on marriage and divorce to a culture and to a church that have often lost sight of the beauty of covenant kept, the atrocities of covenant broken, and the God who is not aloof to the pain of the abused, abandoned, neglected, and betrayed spouse. Gembola and Strickland do not offer a new interpretation or novel paradigm to allow Christians out of marriages they are biblically required to stay in. Instead, they seek to illuminate what Scripture has always said about the character of God, both the seriousness with which he treats sin and the compassion with which he treats those impacted by it.
A primary task of the book is to flesh out what is meant by “biblical grounds for divorce.” After exploring the key biblical texts and their historical interpretations, Gembola and Strickland walk the reader thoughtfully through gaining skills in discernment. Gembola’s experience in counseling those impacted by addiction and adultery, and Strickland’s work with abuse victims, allow these chapters to be grounded both in Scripture and in practical realities. The authors do not attempt to counsel from a distance or offer coercive, one-size-fits-all paradigms. Instead, they seek to help believers in Jesus understand that He walks with them in mercy. Sometimes that is the mercy of the offending spouse’s repentance and the restoration of the marriage, and sometimes it is through the mercy extended to them through a divorce that acknowledges the broken covenant and works to protect them from further harm.
Two Additional Takeaways
Early on in the book, almost as if they aim to catch the attention of readers who might not make it to the end, the authors offer a loving plea and warning to the suffering spouse not to give in to sin as they seek to heal from grievous harm. They note the heightened risk of temptation, both toward sexual sin and in coping through addictive behaviors. Sin always clouds judgment and wreaks havoc. I deeply appreciated the authors’ care for their readers in this way.
Second, the appendices in this volume are an absolutely invaluable resource for both those walking through the process of discerning how to recognize and respond to being grievously sinned against in their marriages, as well as helpers who seek to serve those in marriages suffering like these. They offer practical insight on structuring separation, considering when marriage counseling is appropriate (and when it is not), tools for discernment, teaching on avoiding the temptation of convincing yourself you have grounds for divorce when you do not, and a detailed Q&A for church leaders.
One Area for Further Reflection
It is my understanding that the authors believe there are two options requiring discernment when a person has experienced the devastating effects of covenant-breaking harm in marriage: the decision to remain and pursue reconciliation, and the decision (whether after or in lieu of continuing to seek reconciliation) to receive God’s mercy through divorce. I do not disagree with either of these premises, but I do think it warrants reflection that there are some circumstances where a spouse is required, not merely permitted, to divorce. The cases I have in mind pertain largely to those in which the offended spouse cannot reasonably or legally provide care for minor children unless the marriage is dissolved. This is always a tragedy, but it is not a tragedy of the offended spouse’s making, and in my estimation is akin to Rahab protecting the spies, although she deceived those who would kill them to do so. To be more specific, if a wife is in danger of losing custody of her children to the state, she is not merely “free” to divorce, but may be biblically required to do so.
What's at Stake: Image Bearers and the God Whose Image They Bear
One of the most devastating pains for a Christian in a destructive marriage is believing that the only way to obey God is to stay in harm’s way. The feeling of being caught between a rock and a hard place, the catch-22, the agony of knowing you can’t go on while believing that the only way to get safe and sane is to disobey God, is excruciating. And perhaps the worst part of that pain is believing that God requires you to overlook, tolerate, and absorb the very sin that He Himself says He hates. It is devastating to read that God cares for you like a good Father and yet believe that He has no present mercy or meaningful compassion for you in this life.
But of course, this is not at all what the God of the Bible is like. He does see, and He sees to it. He cares, He guides, He provides, and He protects. He sees the downtrodden men and women in marriages that deface His design, and He rescues. Michael Gembola and Darby Strickland have done the church, and those hurting spouses, a great service by pointing us to this God and helping us worship Him by seeing Him as He is.